Therapy and sensuality

On my journey to self awareness, I found myself asking so many questions concerning why I am the way I am, and lately the most frequent question I was trying to resolve is what exactly triggered the sensuality in me? Why do I ache for intimacy and why do I feel everything so intensely and romantically? 

Maybe because feelings weren't talked about in my household that I crave sensuality so much, my parents never had a healthy marriage, I have never seen them engage in a normal, quiet conversation, it always ends with mom not feeling seen or heard and dad having his ego broken. So I never knew how to express my needs because I thought that if I ever open up, I will end up like my mother, unseen and unheard. 

I grew up afraid of my own feelings, afraid to be vulnerable and daunted to shine. I buried the most beautiful parts in my soul and didn't catch up much with people. 

So what changed me? Therapy. 

I started therapy three years ago, and that honestly allowed me to crush so many walls I have built, and one of these walls was giving myself permission to feel and to communicate my needs and desires, yes, as simple as this may sound, I didn't know how to do so. 

I always craved intimacy, with myself, with others and the world at large, and when I was finally able to break free from my own prison, when I was finally healing from traumas my parents laid on me and permit myself to unleash my full potentials, to be vulnerable and to dig into the magic that had been hidden in me, I just couldn't stop wanting more.

I was deprived of emotions as a kid, and now I just can't get enough, I want to explore, I want to connect with people, I want to feel human and find the delight in the joy, the pain, the grief, the accomplishments and the disappointments, I want to experience the beauty of feeling alive.

And in those three years, I have found so many ways to enlightened this yearning inside of me, whether going on a hike, or admiring the colors of the sunset, reading a book, connecting with friends, feeling the hands of a loved one on my cheeks, enjoying the hot shower and feeling the droplets of water on my skin, contemporary dancing, music ...

I love the sensual part in me, a reminder of how strong and resilient I am to have always chosen growth over playing the role of the victim, and as a reminder to always celebrate emotions for they make me a beautiful imperfect human being.