3 years ago today

A story from three years ago ...

It was around 4:00 pm, I just got back from university classes, had a shower, put on my new shirt that I had purchased a day earlier, wore my favorite earrings and sat waiting. 

My phone rang, it was a video call, I adjusted my posture and answered nervously:

"Hello, did you lose your way to my house?" .

"I think I did, where do I go from here?".

I instructed him the way to my house, and the journey began.

He was wearing a blue polo t-shirt, with sunglasses and a watch on his wrist, I was welcomed with a warm smile and we drove to Batroun.

On the way there he narrated the story of Einstein, you know the one were they wanted to open his brain to see what was so special about it... And all I could think of back then was wow, this dude talks a lot!

As he finished his Einstein story, he asked me about my age and what was I pursuing in life.

"This is my first year in Agricultural engineering ... yeah I'm 18 turning 19 in a month". 

He looked at me with a shocking expression:

"I thought you were way older! you look 22-ish".

As we arrived to Batroun, we went on a small promenade in the old souks, visited Our Lady of the sea Church and I was thinking like wow, why doesn't anyone know this hidden gem? 

We then took off to Kfar Abida near joining to a diminutive shore. He parked the car and opened the trunk, and let me tell you, this was the most organized, neat trunk I have ever laid eyes on, a table was placed and under it posed two chairs, a hammock and a tent. 

We set the mood, installed the chairs, the table, the wine bottle (I don't drink wine but whatever the mood was nice) and of course the Castania crackers.

I honestly can't recall what we chatted about, but I do recollect watching a magical sunset. 

The sun was down, and the stars were out, a hidden rock was near the shore so I decided to go check it out, we ended up sitting there for the rest of the night. 

As we sat there, under millions of stars, I brought out the fact that these stars are a million of years away from us, that we are actually looking into the past and probably all of these stars are dead by now. 

He leaned back a bit, told me to rest my head on his lap, I did so shyly. 

A minute of silence filled the space, and out of nowhere I asked him:

"What's your dream in life?".

Without one single hesitation he replied:

"I dream to build a home in the middle of the forest, on one side surrounded by trees, and on the other side a big pool from where I can jump off the balcony whenever I want ... what's your dream?" 

"I want to buy a Volkswagen and roam Lebanon, and when I'm done, I'll go explore the whole world".

After articulating these words, I remember so vividly the way he spotted the light in my eyes, the way  he held my gaze, and his hands gently going through  my hair. I had the universe above my head and he had just realized that he was carrying the universe in his arms. 

Today, three years have passed, and this person is no longer a part of my universe and I am definitely not his universe anymore, three years have passed and I am no longer this 18 years old who wants to buy a Volkswagen, I've changed and I've grown to be a completely different person.

Three years have taught me a load, put me in so much joy and in so much pain, had me wanting to stay in someone's arms for hours and grieving over his loss for months and had me discover so many parts in my soul I didn't know existed.

Three years have passed and what is lost will forever be lost and will never be replaced. Now he is just a memory and I am just an experience lodged somewhere deep in his heart, buried and never talked about.

 I try to remind myself I'm lucky to have felt the love that brings this kind of heartbreak.

"You taught me the courage of stars before you left, how light carries on endlessly ..."