Mixed feelings

They say people who write have a way of perceiving pain ... or joy,  the way they embody moments of sorrow feels unbearable and the way they describe flipping events seems out of this world.

Lately life has been a mix of both, some days my chest would explode from all the gratitude and compassion I'm receiving, life would pump in my veins and my eyes would spark, in awe of a colorful sunset, or a nostalgic song, or the laughter of my mum and how her eyes shrivel when she does so, exquisite bliss would fill every inch of my bones for simply sharing a bowl of ramen with a friend, allowing the sun rays to touch my face ... and soul. 

And other days, I fight battles, my inner child would feel hurt, reminding me of the stories it used to repeat in childhood "I am not seen, no one sees me", sometimes I'm broken, tuckered out from my "home" environment and my dad's OCD and anger issue condition, tired because as an adult "I should have things figured out", and sometimes, all I need is a hug, a big hug, a hug that would last an hour. 

I've been alone for a while now, rediscovering who I am, the person I was long before society and religion told me who I should be, mending my own wounds, silently and quietly healing and accepting the flawed yet magical person I am. And there's a side of  healing that no one talks about; a lot of times I feel as if I don't belong anymore, a sudden vision hits me with "I should just pack my bags and leave", to where though? Where would I go?  Dysfunctional humans are everywhere, living on autopilot mode, telling themselves ego stories to hide from the imperfections they've been running from their whole lives, projecting their fears onto their neighbors, their kids and at work .

I'm just here expressing and trying to lay down the mountains of distress I've been carrying for the past few weeks, embracing the messiness of being a human being, experiencing many emotions at once, navigating through the ache, and mindfully experiencing those magical moments while they last because  they won't stick around forever, actually no one does, I just have myself, and with time I've learnt that I am more than enough.