Where do we go when we search for connection?

 As a child, I never felt like I belonged to my family, I was introverted and lived most of the times in my head. Nothing was normalized and conversations about the unsaid stuff were not a thing. I constantly felt alone ... and weird.

My parents were excellent guides when it comes to hospitality and manners. 
They taught us how to be presentable while we speak, to always share food, to give half of our sandwiches to our friends if they were ever hungry, to say thank you, to sit properly, to tell the truth, to pray, to be friendly but to be careful when a stranger tries to approach. But they never spoke about emotions, how they can be overwhelming, how heavy our hearts can feel while experiencing grief or anger, how bodies work, how relationships can be a pain in the ass, what to do when our hearts break, how loneliness crumbles in unplanned moments and just how lonely humans actually are or how to deal with the fear of the unknow in the middle of the night. 

I formed an idea that there was something wrong with me, with the core of my existence, that I was the only breathing human who is ever fighting this feeling: Not belonging.
My yearning for belonging is so hardwired that I often try to fit in places that do not speak my truth, and I hustle for approval and acceptance.

It all started when I was ten, I got back from school frustrated and asked my mother: Mum why do I have connected eyebrows? Why I am not like the rest of my friends? Why am I taller than everyone?

I honestly don't remember what she said back then but from that moment, I felt different, I wanted to be like the rest so bad that I used to cry my guts out everyday after school to convince my mother to pluck my eyebrows. I knew my feelings of not belonging stemmed from a more precarious place. It was a place I didn’t know how to name or how to describe it, what once was a connected eyebrow issue turned out to be a value I thirst for everyday.

In many Latin American countries, they have a saying that goes “ni de aquí, ni de allá,” meaning “not from here, not from there.” I resonate with this saying so much . I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like I belong here, to my family, to this country or another, but what I do know is this: Before ever belonging anywhere, you belong to yourself first. Let's hope I get there someday.