Life here has been calm, mainly boring, rarely adventurous and definitely lonely. The thing that no one really talks about when you're away from home is the fact that you don't have much deep connections (In my case, a deep connection with someone is none existing). And tonight I just feel like throwing all my bottled up emotions on this blog in hopes for a sense of relief. Tonight I want to share, I want to express, I want to talk about the smallest moments in my days that usually go unnoticed.
11:50 am: Today when I woke up, I felt a profound need to be touched, gently, to be held, to have someone's hand on my cheeks, to be told how special I am, and how my presence fills the room with so much life. I felt like going on a date, meeting someone for the first time, learning about them, their own universe, their hopes and dreams, their fears and insecurities. the mystery and magic they carry along.
2:15 pm: When I was having my usual Labneh sandwich before going to work, I remembered my father, the war he fought, how a big part of who he is died there and how a big part of me being his daughter died as well. I embraced my healing journey, the grief I had to go through, of losing a living parent, the anger and the pain of accepting reality as it is.
5:08 pm: As I was heating the staff food in the microwave, I reminisced on mum's food, specially her steak and mashed potatoes, the big woody spoon she uses when she cooks, her smile, her fingers lingering softly in my hair as I lay on her lap.
8:53 pm: I was on a 20 minutes break, scrolling though old videos of me and my friends partying, and I sensed this strong heat of freedom, how we can manifest who we want to be, declare and voice our opinion without shame, how we can show up so authentically in this world and find wise connections because of it.
1:35 am: On my way back from work, I cried. Nothing prepares you for the rollercoaster of emotions that hits you when you're in a foreign country. I was vulnerable, I felt lonely, I literally desired a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, a person to hug, a kiss on the forehead.
Tonight I allow myself to be vulnerable, I welcome the surfacing emotions in my body, and I assure myself that I am safe to feel them all. I remind myself that I am a human feeling being who is going out their own way to pursue a dream and a passion.
These emotions are not "too much" these emotions are what makes me a resilient and aware person who knows exactly what they want.
May we all have the courage to feel, to go within and to embrace our unique human journeys.
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