The roof in India

February 11th 2023, I am sitting on the roof of the apartment I live in in Bangalore, India, resting on a plastic chair, raising my legs and reposing them on another chair in front of me, this chair is different, three sunflowers are engraved on its back, it's dirty and pale in color. A slight ray of sun is touching the tips of my feet, it feels warm. The floor underneath me hasn't been touched in years, the dust and empty cigarettes speak vigorously all the untold stories of people who sat here before me, I look to my right and I see a feather. I lock my eyes for a moment as I recall the story my friend told me about how he is stumbling and seeing many feathers on the streets and considers them as good omens, I smiled with gratitude laying down the mountain of uncertainty and self doubt that I have been carrying with me on the dusty floor. A song is playing on my phone "Que sera, sera" by Billianne, I closed my eyes, relaxed my head backwards to touch the edge of my seat, and abruptly, flashbacks of home stroke my mind, I could physically sense them as a gentle flow of electricity between my eyes, I saw my mother sitting on the corner of our couch, gripping tightly her holy rosary and praying. I remembered my first kiss with the first person I loved, on that blue hammock near a church in a small Lebanese village called Asia, I recalled my second love, in his small room, as he laid next to me, both of us naked to the bones, and asked me,: "Do you think we will ever remember this moment when we are 70?", I'm 23 now and I'm sure I'll always cast my mind back to his warm embrace. I thought of my father and the war he fought and the trauma he carries, of my healing journey and how I had to grief the lost of a living father for never meeting me at my core, how I had to learn how not to seek his validation anymore and gain knowledge on how to be my own father. My mind then shifted to a random day on the beach with my best friend, we were drawing and painting and her smile was ponderous, you know that type of smile when you know that you own nothing and yet you still choose to grasp every moment before it flees into a memory. 

I opened my eyes, at this point they were drowning in the most beautiful tears I have ever shed, the sun rays had already covered my whole leg, and I felt peace, peace to know that I have loved so deeply to the point of holding these memories so close to my soul and being.

You see, you are always one decision away from a completely different life: You can dwell on what you've lost and be a victim of what tried to break you, or you can rise, reach deep into your wild heart and remind yourself: You are you, and the universe only witnessed one of you and that is all the universe will ever get.